A Little Bit Lonely.

Welcome to my first blog post of 2021!! If I can be totally honest here, January sucked. A lot. I've only lived in places with a true winter season, but I think this was the first time I actually felt some sort of seasonal sadness and loneliness.

It's hard to put into words the overwhelming feelings I've had over the last few months. A part of me keeps telling myself that I can't complain because we chose to live in Canada, but there's nothing that can prepare you for the events that unfold during a crisis like this pandemic while living internationally. I think I was able to survive with a positive attitude at the beginning of it all because we were heading into summertime and we were in the mountains literally every weekend. It was a gorgeous summer full of hikes and exploration, but after we got back from Michigan in October, it's like all that faded away...quickly.

My first obstacle was unemployment. My trip to Michigan was such a breath of fresh air after going nine months without seeing my family, but reality set in when I was back in Calgary. I applied to SO MANY jobs over the last few months, spent hours prepping for interviews, gave free hours of work to create assignments, and was rejected more than I care to admit. It was very frustrating for me because I know I am an expert in my field and I'm a very hard worker, but for whatever reason, it wasn't enough to stand out against the competition. Speaking of competition, the job market is so saturated that every application I submitted was against AT LEAST one hundred other people. It was extremely disheartening, and the looming deadline of having a baby stayed with me the entire time, making it all more stressful than it needed to be.

I remember talking to people back in November who said that winter was going to be dark this year. I knew what they meant but still kept forcing myself to have the same positive mindset I had earlier in the year, but being newly pregnant, hormonal, and unemployed just flipped a switch and it did become dark. Dark in a way of feeling disconnected and alone. I was navigating through new emotional, mental, and physical changes that I wasn't coping well with and I had no family or friends here to hug me and wipe my tears. I truly longed for in-person time with my sisters and my moms. Technology is truly amazing and I'm thankful for video chat, but it gets to a point where the connections and relationships you once had become distant and different.

[I do want to make sure I call out the love and support I was (and still am) getting at home. James has been my rock and the best person I could ever ask for during these hard times. I’ve never felt closer to him than I do now and he has gone above and beyond to make sure I’m happy and healthy. I literally hit the jackpot marrying him.]

I also found myself trolling social media a lot more than I used to. I wanted to keep up with what people were doing and stay informed of political events in both the U.S. and Canada. That also became draining. I started to feel angry and upset because other people were getting to live their lives as if COVID didn't exist. Pictures of tropical vacations and cross-country road trips that made me envious and bitter—not my best qualities. We've had to cancel two vacations because of COVID risks and because the restrictions to get back into Canada are so high, we can't leave. I literally cannot go see my family without having to provide a negative COVID test to get there and one to get back, and then once I'm back, I would be required to quarantine in a government hotel that I would have to pay for.

I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. I know other American citizens living abroad right now that are also stuck in a bubble, with no way to easily get out and back. It's the most helpless feeling and kind of makes you want to move back to the states but you also don't want to wish away the experiences you know you'll have in this new place. Believe me, I absolutely love living in Calgary, and I don't think I could live anywhere that wasn't near the Rockies, but the fact that if there's an emergency back home that I can't be there for, I question how worth it these experiences truly are. This pandemic sure puts a lot of things into perspective.

Anyways, I'm not trying to have a pity party and I promise you I am doing much better these days, I just haven't really opened up about this stuff to anyone other than James, and the more I see others moving on with their lives while I sit here, unemployed and pregnant, make the "now" extremely difficult to navigate and much harder to think big picture. I know we'll get to travel again. I know we'll get to see family again. I just have to let go of the fact that we'll be here for a little while longer, and I need to lean on the few solid relationships I've built here to survive and stay connected. I'm beyond thankful for the the little things we have, like hiking in the mountains and weekly dog walks with our amazing neighbors.

In really good news, I have accepted a job offer with the start-up, Hatch Coding as their social media manager! I'm looking forward to getting back to work, building up their social strategy, and adding the STEM industry to my portfolio. I can tell you, I had no idea the road to finding a job would be this difficult. I knew it wouldn't be easy given the job market right now and being in Canada, but it seriously almost broke me. Things are looking up and I hope my family and friends back in the states know that I love them and I miss them so freaking much. But this is temporary and we'll be together again soon—plus an extra little badass human :)

xo, Stef